Stealth
I am not a good trans woman
According to the conventional narrative The end goal of all the shit we endure
Is to be able to go stealth and blend into society
How do I start to explain to you this bullshit concept?
To go stealth is to blend in
Do I look like I blend in well?
I guarantee you there are trans people out there you would not know were trans unless they told you
Their secret, their shame
You see, we are taught to be ashamed of what we are
We are supposed to blend in and fade out of existence
If we succeed in that, then we pass
If we do not pass, then what does that make us?
Failures…
To stick out is to be a failure
To not be masculine or feminine enough is a failure
Therefore I am a failure
Because logic, right?
I became a failure the moment I used my voice to speak out
The act of standing up against injustice
Runs counter to blending in
Standing up here and speaking up about this means that I have failed at this standard
You see, I grew up having my own identity dictated to me
Roles and expectations forced upon me
Trained to conform to ideals of masculinity
Chastised for expressing my femininity
Conformity beaten into me
Counter to my own personality
Trained to reject my identity
Forced to accept toxic masculinity
Then when I show the world the real me
If I want to be taken seriously
I have to accept that this society
Will police my gender identity
In order to transition medically
And have the gatekeepers take you seriously
You must conform to a set identity
Enforced by heteropatriarchy
Back in the dark ages of gender therapy
We were forced into heteronormativity
Because being both transgender and a lesbian was not a valid identity
To have a psychiatrist sign off on me
I would have to feign heterosexuality
Pretend to be what they want me to be
While ignoring my own reality
Thankfully that is way things used to be
But this reality is something that has changed slowly
And though the medical professionals don’t always reinforce heteronormativity
Society still makes assumptions about my sexuality
Society still expects me to conform to their standards of femininity in order to be taken seriously
Take the interviewer who wanted to hire me on the basis of trans identity
Yet I did not conform to their expectations of femininity
Cause minimal makeup and a pantsuit is not good enough you see
Works for Hillary Clinton but not for me
At least not for someone’s conception of femininity
Who demanded I present their version consistently
There is no room for me to be butch you see…
Same goes for urologist I had to see
For a consultation for surgery
He would not take me seriously
Cause I failed to meet his expectations of femininity
Cause an old man knows exactly what this is, right?
Trouble is certain things you see
Are prohibitively expensive for me
Hair removal costs a lot of money
And facial feminization is considered elective surgery
Passing is a privilege that is alien to me
I fail at it because we live in a world of superficiality
Where my ability to perform femininity
Is dictated by my financial reality
Otherwise my identity has no validity
And going stealth is simply a myth to me
Cause in order to stand up for what is right
I must fail and accept my trans visibility